August 2008

08252K8
Well, it was kinda fun while it lasted.

From Brittany
to me
date Mon, Aug 25, 2008 at 12:08 AM
subject Hey

When you're done being an asshole do you want to come over or meet me at Heather's? We really should talk...which would be easy if you'd answer your fucking phone!!

from me
to Brittany
date Mon, Aug 25, 2008 at 12:12 AM
subject Re: Hey

If by "we" you mean "you" and by "talk" you mean "put it in my butt" followed by "and then I'll make you a sandwich and not talk until you leave" then yes. Otherwise, no, not really.

(she did not want to be friends afterwards)

08142K8
Had an impromptu date last night.

Her: "Do any recreational drugs?"
Me: "Uh..nothing rea--"
Her: (interrupting) "'Kay, lemme rephrase: got anything on you?"
Me: "Sure, in my trunk. Couple bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline, high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, a whole galaxy of uppers, downers, laughers, screamers..."
Her: "And a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer and a pint of raw ether?"
Me: "And--"
Together: "two dozen amyls!"

I think I've found myself a fucking keeper.

08102K8
There is something wrong with me. I'm not sure what it is about me that attracts this sort of unfulfilling attention. Maybe I've gotten soft. Maybe I just lack balls. But I am sick and fucking tired of every woman I meet these days cockteasing me and then friend-zoning me when I try to get something. And when they say they want to be friends, they don't mean casual acquaintances. More like, calling me five times a day, texting me all the time, wanting to hang out almost every day, blowing off boyfriends and driving across two counties to go out with me but won't even give me head, like I'm a fucking eunuch with disposable income and nothing better to do...well, I guess that's pretty accurate, except for the eunuch part.

Here is just one example of cockteasery that made my head and balls hurt for days:

Girl wants to come over and get drunk. Awesome.
Girl does bitch sips while I get drunk. Lame.
Girl talks and talks and talks about various depressing things and I try not to laugh when she says something like, "and sometimes I just wish I could get into some horrible accident that destroys my face so other girls stop being so mean to me because they're jealous of my beauty." Cracking up just thinking about it.
Girl says, "We need to go to bed." Why, yes. Yes, ->we<- do.
Girl says, "Steve says your bed is really comfortable.." Steve sure as fuck wouldn't know that, but, yes. Yes, it is.
I ask if she'd like to try it out. She just laughs. I move in for a kiss. She evades! She goes to the couch and asks for a blanket. I throw it at her and tell her what a disappointment the night has been. She just looks confused.

And what the fuck is a bitch thinking when she wants me to drive 45 minutes away to sleep over at her place when she lives with her fucking boyfriend? What the fuck is the point? That's not the cool kind of three-way. She has seriously asked me if I want to stay over three days in a row now, and she won't stay at my place. I have a pool, a stocked bar, a big TV and a very comfortable bed. She has a 1 bed 1 bath apartment the size of my bedroom and her boyfriend will be there. Why so insistant about me staying over? Is it that her boyfriend is just really weird and wants to watch me fuck her? Are they planning on killing me when I sleep? Is it that her TV is broken and she figures I'm entertaining enough when I'm drunk to make a good substitute? Are we going to heat up some pizza bagels and tell ghost stories? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Is my idea of normal just unrealistic?

A wise man once said:
"If a girl tells you she just wants to be friends, tell her you'll only be her friend if you can do anal. She'll either be so disgusted that she'll leave you alone, or she'll bend over and let you put your meat in her trunk. Who loses? Not you, my friend. Not you."

So I turn into a dick and apply standard tits or GTFO policy. "Fuck you, jerk! Lose my number!" Three days later. "Where've you been? Wanna hang out?" What the fuck.

Sandman

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August 2008

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