February 2009
02212K9
From the BWH thread:
1/12
Over the weekend she was talking about how she wanted to go into the Navy after she pops this kid out. I don't see her doing that but I said great, go for it. And that just made her so happy because everyone else is telling her not to do it or she can't do it and I'm always so supportive blah blah. Truth is: I don't care.
She wanted me to take her to some flea market yesterday so she could get a new switchblade (yeah..) and while we were there we passed by a jewelry booth with a large ring display. She said, "We need to just get rings and get it over with." I didn't know what she was talking about so I didn't think much of it, except for that it might be cool to get a pinky ring. I was smiling, thinking about Joe Pesci's pinky ring skit on SNL when she said, "So...I wanted to ask you...would you marry me and come live with me on the base when I go into the Navy?"
I laughed. Be a stay-at-home dad for two kids that aren't even mine - yeah, that's what I want to do with my life. Ha. But then: "I don't want to leave you and you're the only person I could marry and not want to divorce." Waitaminute. I looked at her face. Oh god, she's completely serious.
Between that and dodging bodies while walking through amoebic masses of old people, I felt like I may have an anxiety attack coming on. She kept turning to look at me, waiting for an answer. But the only word I had in my head was the one I replied with. "No." She stopped and stared at me like she was expecting an explanation for the answer I had given, but I didn't give one. Instead, I changed the subject and asked if she wanted to get something to eat. She just stared downward while we ate at the dirt mall cafe and didn't say much to me. She eventually started acting normal but, yeah, that was pretty awkward.
2/15
I'm posting in a thread that demands conversation logs, and all I can offer are words arranged in story-type fashion. :(
She's been weird with me lately. Again. I thought I smoothed things over after the marriage proposal, but after a brief period of things being normal she started being distant again.
When things are good between us, she's very open with me. Too open, actually. She's also very clingy. I've had girlfriends that required a lot less attention. We talk shit constantly and try to push each other's buttons, but there's never any real animosity. I don't think we've ever had a fight - at least not one that I couldn't blame on hormones.
When things aren't good, she's friendly, respectful and thoughtful, but she stays away. She'll do little favors for me without me asking and she'll call me to tell me she did it. Stuff like making my bed, ironing my shirts, picking up something for dinner because she won't be home to cook, etc. And she'll be polite, which is very strange for her. But that's the only time she'll talk to me. She stays at her mother's or grandmother's, or if she does come home she stays in her room. I try to get her to do something and she makes up a really lame excuse, like she wants me to know that she doesn't want to without actually telling me so. It sounds good on paper, but in real life it's goddamned eerie.
Last time she was like this, I figured my response to the marriage proposal was to blame, so I confronted her and we worked it out. Now, I have no clue what I did. I asked her what's up and she said everything's cool in a completely unconvincing way. So I gave up and tried to enjoy the niceness. Then she stopped talking to me almost completely. And she stopped doing the dishes. Fuck.
The only thing I can think of was me bringing up our mutual friend one day: Angel. That's the chick we had a threesome with. Long story short: Angel and Lindsay were good friends. Angel and I started messing around. Lindsay had feelings for me and got jealous. Lindsay and Angel stopped being friends. Angel and I stopped messing around. Angel started stalking me. Haven't heard from her since September. But a friend who works at the place we all used to work at called me saying she was there asking where I moved to, which is a bit unsettling because she doesn't talk to anyone that I know of who would know that I moved, which means that she's probably been out to my house at night several times and noticed my car gone. Wouldn't really surprise me because she's a crazy bitch and she used to sit outside my house for hours at a time. I told Lindsay, Lindsay asked what I'd do if she tracked me down, I said I'd try to fuck the crazy out of her.
So, this past week we haven't spoken a word to each other and I've just been waiting for her to tell me that she's moving out. She called a couple times Friday, I didn't answer. She sent a few texts, I didn't bother reading them until a few hours later. She was telling me to call her. I didn't.
Around 9:30 that night I saw the headlights from her car outside my window. I expected yelling, crying, her delivering her moving out speech, knife being pulled - something like that. Instead, she came in and asked if I was hungry. I paused for a second, wondering what she meant by that. Is she going to throw food at me? Did she burn all our groceries? What nefarious act could this evil bitch be planning? And what response does she expect? It's late, so she's probably counting on me having already eaten and is expecting a no. But she knows me pretty well, and even if I weren't hungry I'd be wondering what she brought me, so I'd probably say yes. I went with a confident 'no' with one squinted eye, as if to say, "I'm on to you, you dirty, scheming cunt! HA HA!"
"Aw, I wanted to make dinner." Again, suspicion: was she going to make me a turd sandwich? A turd salad? Turd à la mode? But then she continued to explain that she bought stuff to make a Greek salad and something else I forget, and that she hadn't seen much of me lately so she wanted to have dinner with me. LIES! I thought. It's going on 10 PM. This is her being a passive aggressive bitch. Then she sat on the couch talking about stupid shit while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate chip Eggos. 
I don't know what she was talking about because I was busy engaging in battle with my ferret, but she got up to put her kid to bed and she said she'd be back down to talk to me. Wasn't sure what to expect there. She didn't come back down until 11:30, wearing a thong and a t-shirt. Oh. But then she just said she was tired and was going to sleep. Oh..kay. She continued talking to me as she walked out of the room, about what she was doing tomorrow, etc., so I got up and followed her to the stairs. She gave me a hug, I grabbed her ass. She said I wasn't getting it but I could watch it as she walked up the stairs. I did.
Yesterday morning she woke me up by mounting me.
Morning angry prego sex. I felt kind of violated afterwards, but it was pretty good. No words spoken until the end; she said "good morning" while nibbling on my ear. She was ready to go again when I got out of the shower but I had to go to work. She asked me to come home tonight so we could have dinner together. I figured, what the hell, why not? I have two other potential Valentine's night prospects - one's married and the other has a fiancé. Not that that matters to me, but juggling multiple partners on Valentine's day is a task I'm not going to trust a woman with.
So I made up excuses and preemptively canceled would-be dates so I could spend the night with my bloated friend. I picked up some necessities on the way home: chocolate, rubbers, warming lube. But I left the chocolate in the car because she'd just eat it all in one sitting and then wouldn't want to do anything. She wasn't there so I called to see when she was getting home. No answer. Called again an hour later. No answer again. I sent a text asking where she was. Didn't hear anything back until around 9:30. "happy v day" What a cunt. I probably could have had success with a co-worker I flirt with occasionally, but I didn't try. I just sat on the couch watching a movie, popping pills and getting drunk. In retrospect, The Deer Hunter probably wasn't the best choice of movies. I don't know when I passed out.
I was awakened this morning by the sound of someone opening my ferret's cage and scooping food out of the bag. I hung my head over the back of the couch and saw my roommate walking on the ceiling. At first I was frightened, but then I remembered that it was my head that was upside-down, not her. No need to call a priest. She noticed that I was awake and cheerily explained why she didn't come home last night. Something about her friend from Jacksonville. I dunno. I didn't say anything. I just got up and started heading for my bedroom so I could go back to sleep, but she blocked my path and shoved me hard, and suddenly I was on the floor looking up at the ceiling, and her standing over me laughing her ass off. This is it, I thought. She's finally going to do it. In my weakened, groggy state, she's going to kill me while laughing maniacally. Then who will update this thread?
She helped me up and said she didn't think I would fall over. I was starting to get my bearings and I was going to ask her where the fuck she was last night, but she was giving me that look. It basically reads thusly: "I'm sorry. I've been bad. Please punish me with your penis." If I were that suave motherfucker AnAlbinoAligator I could resist that request, but I guess I don't have a reputation to uphold. So, punish her I certainly did.
An hour later we're lying on my bed, the matress bare with sheets, pillows and the comforter surrounding it on the floor, the lamp lying on its side on my end table and clothes lost to obscurity when I hear her kid's voice crescendoing as she cried for her mother. She quickly bolted up, wrapped herself with a sheet and hurried out of the room. I sat there for a while before I started getting dressed, wondering how many times her kid's seen her do the walk of shame. I was putting my shoes on when I heard the front door close, and I thought, what the fuck? She's seriously just going to leave without saying anything? I feel like the chick in this relationship. But then she came back in and asked for the keys to my car. I asked why. "Oh, I saw you had candy in your car...and I want it." Fatass.
2/19
Good Internet, gents. I have lots of texts but, alas, nothing really worth posting. That may change soon, or I may have nothing to post on the subject ever again. It's pretty much fifty-fifty at this point.
I'm feeling strange today, in a good way. I guess the best way to describe it is untouchable. I feel fucking untouchable. It's like I'm Peter in Office Space, waking up one morning and suddenly unable to imagine how I could ever worry about anything. Life is ones and zeroes. Do or don't; can or can't; will or won't; shall or shan't. The last pair of antonyms was a bit gratuitous but that's the kind of mood I'm in; I'll use ABAB rhyme scheme in the middle of a paragraph and be like, yeah. I just did that. Bitch.
I ran the shop by myself today. It was slammed and people were really pissed off about a variety of things. Didn't phase me at all. The worst of them even bought me lunch for acting so cool about everything. One of my coworkers over in the sales side came over to ask what was up with the guy screaming about some phone-related thing. I hadn't noticed. Got two girls' numbers without trying. I can't remember what the second one looked like, but I figure that if she's an uggo I can just tell her that she's going to have to work for it and maybe I can get a used dryer out of the deal or something. Hell yeah.
I'm not sure why I'm in this mood. I know what triggered it, but I think I should be fucking pissed, or depressed, or helplessly confused or even just a little annoyed. Instead, I'm feeling pretty damn good. I keep getting distracted thinking about things I'd rather be doing right now other than typing this post, like calling one of these numbers...and then several possibilities play themselves out in my head, none of which being undesirable though I feel some of them would have been if they occurred to me yesterday. Normally I may try to psychoanalyze myself and make some attempt at self-discovery, for something to think about if for nothing else, but my fascination this time doesn't come packaged with urgency to craft uneducated theories - only this post. And I kind of want some sort of pasta...but this could be purely coincidental, and hopefully not a symptom of sympathetic pregnancy. At this point, though, I don't believe myself capable of sympathy for my swollen roommate, so I don't think that's the case. Oh yeah, speaking of her..
It had occurred to me that the sex meant nothing. She's felt something for me for a long time and is pretty much always horny. Add hormones that belong in padded cells and you get a girl that just needed my cock more than she could stand, so she took it. Not that I minded, what with being equipped with a penis and all. I wouldn't say that it does a lot of my thinking for me, but it definitely makes some of those tough decisions a lot easier to make. I actually prefer it that way. I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing for her prior to today, but if I wanted to be with her I would've taken one of the many opportunities to do so. But, by the way that she acted the next few days, I gathered that it wasn't just spontaneous friend sex. She was texting me all day about nothing, calling me presumably just to hear me talk, bringing me lunch at work and lingering long enough to lead my coworkers on to the possibility that I may be lying about not knowing that crazy pregnant bitch.
I ate it up. I don't know why. I didn't when she was this way before, when we first started to hang out and she admitted to having "an intense crush" on me. Even when I started getting attached I kept her at arm's length, mainly because I'd actually be surprised whenever I'd meet a guy who knew her and hadn't fucked her. I completely lost any extra-friendly interest in her when she found out she was pregnant. So why I started doing the couple thing with her this time, I've no clue. I guess it was because it didn't seem like much of a jump. We already live together. We get along really well. We spend a lot of time together. We each felt like we were practically a couple already. We just sleep with other people instead of each other. After changing that last fact suddenly I found myself actually reconsidering my answer to her proposal. At least briefly. When I was buzzing. Sort-of.
Yesterday she said she'd be home when I got off. That changed to 9. Then that changed to 11; she said she'd be hanging out with one of her girlfriends. I told her that I'd be going out and that I'd probably be staying over at my brother's, then. Around 8 she called to tell me that she was taking Robert to his mom's house, which is down the road a bit from our place, and that he'd be hanging out at the house for an hour or two until his mom got home late tonight. Robert's her piece-of-shit ex (the one before the baby's dad) and current "friend." I was pretty sure they'd still been sleeping together on occasion, but I never cared to ask because I didn't really want to know. That bothered me, but I figured that, if she had something in mind, she wouldn't have called to tell me he would be there, especially knowing that I wouldn't be home to know anything had transpired. But when I showed up at 11:30 he was still there, sitting with her on the couch watching some movie. Neither of them said a word when I walked in. They seemed pretty uncomfortable. Hmm.
I was in my room when she poked her head in to say goodnight. I was thinking she didn't want to do anything with the idiot in the next room over, sleeping on the couch. I heard her walk up the stairs to her room. I assumed some of the noises my ferret makes all goddamned night were from the troglodyte rustling around on the couch. All suspicion was silenced by my thinking that she was way too into me to do anything like that. In my house. While I'm home. So, you can imagine my surprise when I woke up early this morning to see an empty couch. But even then - maybe he walked to his mother's during the night, I thought as I walked past the living room. Maybe he's outside smoking, as I walked past the kitchen. Maybe he's upstairs sleeping with my whateversheis, as I walked past the base of the staircase and heard "Oh fuck, I think he's up."
BRB GOING TO SUBWAY
K
I paused, and I waited for it. I waited for the anger and the adrenaline that would send me rushing up the staircase without conscious decision to do so. I waited to come out of a blackout in the middle of smashing his face through a wall. I waited for the chance to send him crashing through the window so he'd land on the windshield of her car. Two for one. But it didn't come. And the damndest thing: I could not stop smiling.
I went into the bathroom and whistled while I pissed, which is something I don't recall ever doing before. They were still upstairs when I came out fifteen minutes later. I was reading the news on my phone when she came down the stairs and started talking to me like nothing had happened. "It's a shitty day out. Looks like it's gonna rain." I thought that I might snap. Every negative word I've ever thought about her was arranged eloquently on the tip of my tongue, but I wasn't angry. I smiled and said that we needed rain so I could make use of an offer from a lawncare company that expires in thirty days for 50% off on mowing. I'm not sure how much they charge normally (aside from 100%) but that's a pretty spiffy offer when you live on five acres. Her nervousness seemed to evaporate as she continued on about her plans for the day. I think I walked out the door in the middle of it. Forgot she was talking.
She called and texted a few times throughout the day. I didn't even take my phone out of its case. Normally I can find time to text her back, and there've been times where I just didn't want to talk to her so I didn't even bother reading them. But that wasn't the case here. I didn't care one way or the other; it just wasn't convenient for me to check my phone and answer her texts. And as I kept noticing these abrupt -- while some slight -- changes in my behavior throughout the day in regards to her, I just kept feeling better. She came in shortly before closing when things had finally slowed down. There was no dismay at seeing her, nor excitement, nor surprise. It was just like seeing any other person whose face I recognized but otherwise didn't think much of. I don't even remember what she was talking about. I was busy reading through ston3rpimp69's posts trying to find a better quote than the one that's in my sig, but dt already stole it.
I guess it's because I really didn't want a relationship with her, and I damn sure don't want to get married. I don't know if I feel anything at all for her anymore - not even the bitterness that went along with the feelings I had for her. I'm not exactly sure where we are right now or what she thinks we are, and I don't particularly care. I don't find myself sympathizing with her and her condition/situation anymore so I don't see myself having a problem with putting her out on her ass should anything happen to provoke that. Her having the figurative balls to do what she did I suppose just lifted all that off of me, and it's a great fucking feeling.
Thought I'd share.
02142K9
Finding the time to update this thing has been difficult lately. I'll have something soon, but in the meantime you can read this thread.