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Grandma's Cookies:
James: I don't know what you can do with this information if anything, but I hear from a reliable source (a random huge black lady) that target is having a crazy candy sale. Hershey chocolate 75% off and such.
Lindsay: Woah hell yeah I need that
James: Got a ride?
Lindsay: No u go after work
James: I'm not going that way. Going over to my brother's and then to dale's
Lindsay: Omg y do u tell me about a candy sale and then not get it asshole I want some choc god dammit
James: You're two letters off from something I could definitely supply you with
Lindsay: And y didn't u wake me up this morning
James: You said amber was driving you to your mom's this morning so you didn't need to ride with me so no reason to wake you up
Lindsay: Well u could have said goodbye
James: Goodbye
Lindsay: Ur a jerk so ur not going to b home tonite?
James: Probably not, no
Lindsay: What will u b doing other than getting really wasted
James: Nothing I'll remember the next day, I'm sure
James: Keg, fire, booze, people
James: I'm sure I'll drunk dial you at some point
Lindsay: Ok I'm gonna hang out with billie cause its just her and her 2 kids alone on new years so I guess ill see u 2marrow
James: K
Lindsay: I might need u to drive me over there. She wants me there at 6
James: I'm not going that way
Lindsay: It only takes u 8 mins to get here and her house is half mile away so don't be a dick
James: I got places to see and people to do and things to be in, I don't have time to chauffuer you around
James: Get one of your fuckbuddies in the hood to do it
James: Oh wait none of them have cars
Lindsay: Wow it will b like 20 mins if that so just do it bitch
James: Or jobs
James: Or shoes
Lindsay: Shut the fuck up u are picking me up at 6
James: Or teeth
James: Or worth
Lindsay: Well that's cool but 4 real can u please pick me up when u get off
James: I'm just gonna go ahead and say it
James: You're kind of a ho
Lindsay: Do u want to die
Lindsay: Is that y u keep doing this
James: Not saying that's a bad thing
James: You've been saying you need a job. Well, that's a legitimate career in some parts of the world
James: I can be your manager if you want. I already have some clients lined up
Lindsay: Ok well we better do that soon cause I won't be worth much after 2 kids u know
James: Yeah you really aren't worth much now but hey maybe we can hook the prego fetishists and crazy bitch enthusiasts
Lindsay: Yeah or guys who want a convicted killer cause that's what I'm about to b
James: Listen I think at this point we've ruled out all other possibilities for you so you might as well just accept it
(Here she calls me begging me to give her a ride. And she said she ate a metric fuckload of food and was still hungry. And she started to say something else but I ended the call.)
Lindsay: Wow that was rude
James: Customer walked in
Lindsay: So u can say that instead of just hanging up I kept talking thinj
Lindsay: Thinking u were still there
James: You're right, I can
James: But I won't
James: Bitch
Lindsay: Don't call me a bitch ill fuck up ur face make u even uglier than u already r
Lindsay: Y r u so mean lately am I bothering u at work
James: Actually I'm just trying to get a rise out of you because I'm posting these conversations on the internet
Lindsay: Oh yeah are u making ne money with that
Lindsay: Cause if u are its mine
James: No but I should be
James: The one about your underwear was pretty popular
Lindsay: U better not be fucking serious
Lindsay: James
Lindsay: James tell me ur joking right now
(She calls me again, I let it go to voicemail.)
Lindsay: Omg I swear on my child james if u r being serious
Lindsay: I don't even know but u will bleed
James: Sorry had a customer
Lindsay: So r u joking or n
James: Obviously
Lindsay: God my blood pressure is prob so high right now u are a health risk stop telling me stuff like that
James: But you are highly entertaining
Lindsay: Yeah I bet
Lindsay: U are too when ur drunk so make sure u call me tonite
James: I will
Lindsay: K see u at 6:08 then?
James: No
Lindsay: Well my grandma is making u cookies
James: Yes
Lindsay: Yeah that's what I thought ur my bitch lol
James: Only when your grandma's givin up the cookies
James: Think she wants me?
Lindsay: Oh yeah 4 sure
James: Sweet, tell her to trim up cuz I'm gonna kneed that fat ass like dough and stretch the wrinkles right out of that snatch
Lindsay: I hate u so much
James: I know
See the December archive for the rest.
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Contact:
craigsucks at gmail dot com