Two More Days

Two days after our last exchange, I received a series of emails from Mr. James Sweeney.

please wait 10 minutes ...i have almost complted a letter to sever lawenforcement agencies...u might want to read

Here is his masterpiece, carboncopied to the wrong address:

Dear specila agent in charge of internet drug sales,

I am writing to report a a gentleman, Craig Salmond, that is qowner of Raspbrrry medical, and expmeds (expmeds.com)he defrauded my credit card and i sued them. The obviously did bot show and they are in default of $568.00.
Mr Salmond is being investigated by federal agents, FBI, DEA and local lake county sherriffs office. In particular detective ward. I have pleade with them to refund the money they stole from me, but all i get is assinaine emails. They obviously have no reality with regards to their crimes and future prison sentance.
I will be more than happy tocooperate with u in the investigation to put thes crimunals behind bars.
If you wish,contact me at 412-773-2346
sincerely,
james sweeney

p.s. all their employees are aware of the illegal activity and make jokes through emails which i will be happy to forward. Expmeds phone is [edit], please foraward to all law enforcement agencies necessary

how didu like that punk?

this i s getting quite interesting and fun.

i'm sure i will get a wise ass email frim u, but in any event. I just talked to US CUSTOMS and told them u are basically a wise ass. they took the report and gave me the website to report u and start an immediate investigation. www.customs.ustreas.gov.

i only wish u the best when ur arrested and put in jail.........any offer to compensate my money before i contact us customs. Luckily i'm on break from classes and i will contact every government agency that requlates ur illegal activity. have a nice day---i will

CC'd to the wrong address again:

Dear special agent in charge of narcotics,

EXP meds address, ie: Craig Salmonds address is
[edit]

cc: Detective Ward
US Customs
DEA, Lou Collossimo

I offer to lend a helping hand:

Just so you know, the Internet finds you hilarious.

And, for the third time, the email address is jacksonville@fbi.gov.

Would you like me to forward all of your emails do this address for you?

He actually got the address right on this one, but I'm not sure why he would CC this:

no problem , got u covered drug pusher........and i am a funny dude...but yuour a whoring thief that prays on people that have drug addictions, minors, etc......
have a nice day criminal...ur day willl come

My plea:

OK, Sweeney. You win. There's a white van parked on the other side of the parking lot. It was in a different spot yesterday. I keep seeing black cars with dark tinted windows driving by slowly. When I was on the phone there seemed to be a bit of linenoise when there usually isn't. I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO PRISON! I got kids to feed, man. Three kids and a dog. A big, hungry dog. He eats the furniture when no one feeds him, and my kids probably will, too. They're like a pack of wild animals. I can't keep the little brats in line ever since my wife left. Well, she didn't leave. I divorced her before I got rich, because I couldn't trust her. I can't trust anyone. Not even myself, and definitely not my kids or my dog. I can't even go into a department store with them without having them run all over, grabbing things off the shelves and tripping old ladies. At home they have no respect for the things I worked so hard to buy. They just break and drool all over everything. Do you know how hard it is to have nice things with three kids and a dog that eat furniture just to spite me? Then they're so bold to act like they didn't even do it. Have you ever tried to interrogate a dog, Sweeney? They're some tough nuts to crack. Listen, I don't want anymore trouble with you. You have the power to end this. I'll do whatever I can, just please call them off!

refund my money wise ass.....than its over

My offer:

Unfortunately our billing system does not allow us to issue credit more than 30 days after the money was charged from your account. After that, you have file a dispute with your bank to have a chargeback issued.

However, if you would opt not to do that, I could supply you with a generous quantity of Taco John's gift certificates. To what address would you like me to send them?

CS

P.S.
Try the taco bravos. They're my favorite.

P.S.S
Stop by Taco Bell on your way there and grab a handfull of their fire sauce. Taco John's hot sauce they have in the packets is not all that great, at least in my opinion.

CC'd to the FBI, with a copy of my last response:

please save for files...i will send the signed affidavit from the minor under seperate cover without a copy to exp.

thank you,
james sweeney

I take it you are not fond of Taco John's. Perhaps you have had bad experiences with them in the past. Are you threatening to report them to the FBI, DEA, etc. for not letting you get soda from the fountain when you ordered water? If so, there's no reason for us to bicker. I'm practically in the same boat you are! I almost got kicked out once for that, too. Luckily I was able to convince them that I had Sprite in the cup, so I didn't have to resort to bringing the force of the Man down on them. Keep fighting the good fight.

Your pal,
CS

i'm through with u....i'm forwarding these to the police for harrassment and my attorney. DO NOT EMAIL ANYMORE.

Sorry, my job requires me to reply to as many emails as possible, and you're such a nice person to talk to. You and I seem to connect on a number of levels. For example, I'm sure you and I both share an undying contempt for surly road workers. Just who do they think they are, anyway? And let's not forget the whole Taco John's thing.

Behind the grammatically-challenged extortionist cover, you seem like a pretty swell guy, James. Do you mind if I call you James? Do you think maybe we could form a tag-team and annoy some unsuspecting e-pharmacies? Not like they don't deserve it, right? Wouldn't that be great? James Sweeney and CS: Bonnie and Clyde of the Internet! We can take turns being Clyde if you want.

I don't know about you, but this has me super pumped!

Your future partner in general e-mischief,
CS

This was CC'd to no one (and why would you do a BCC if you say you're CCing in the message body?):
lol @ border patrol

these individuals have no idea how much trouble they are in....i have asked them to quit emailing and they will not.

cc: dea
us customs
lake county sheriffs
border patrol
attorney ambrose

James! With all that talk about how you didn't want to hear from me anymore, I thought you'd stop emailing me, because that's what a logical person would do. I'm glad to see that you were just kidding about that. So, what's happening? Making any new friends in that federal alphabet soup you're always talking about? Remember that awesome alphabet cereal? I think it was called Alphabits. Yeah. I always got the kind with marshmallows, and I'd throw away the ceral pieces and just eat the marshmallows with milk. They turned the milk all kinds of funny colors. Good times, good times...

Here is some nutritional information for you:
http://www.kraftfoods.com/postcereals/cereal_alphabits.html

Best friends 4-ever,
CS

That sums up Thursday and Friday. He did send two emails during the weekend, but they were just my last two responses CC'd to the FBI. I replied with this:

Hello, James!

I normally don't work on Sundays, but they're paving the parking lot here and I came in to see where I'd be parking on Monday (tomorrow). Fortunately it's not very far away. I was worried that I'd have to park all the way on the other side of the parking lot. I'm sure you've seen top-secret FBI satellite surveillance photographs of our facility, so you know how far of a walk that is. I figured I may as well check my mail while I'm here.

I see that you're forwarding these emails to both fbijacksonville@fbi.gov and jacksonville@fbi.gov, just for good measure, I presume. Unfortunately, according to their website, they've temporarily shut off their email service. When you try to email them you'll probably get a notice saying that they are unreachable, or something like that. Just thought you'd like to know!

With the kind of love and compassion you only read about in those cheesy romance novels my grandma buys by the bushel, CS

P.S.
I'll be leaving shortly, so, regrettably, if you reply to this email I probably won't see it until tomorrow. Yes, I know. I'll miss you, too.

His response:

I FAXED TO TO NICE TRY

And so ends this installment of the James Sweeney story.

Sandman

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